You know what? I'm lying here in my bed, thinking about myself, and I just wanna scream. This emptiness is killing me slowly, and I can't bear it anymore. For example, I was watching a TV show and I realized that my life is lame. I don't have anything interesting... All I have is my stories that I tell you (about my series), but I wanna have something else to talk about, something about my fucking life. I want some change. I thought that studying in med school would be this change that I expected for 2 years, but it isn't. My days are like those when I was in high school, and God knows how much I hated it. Here I am, living again my past... When I look at you, or at the pictures that you showed me, I just want something like that, something to hold onto, something that can give you hope about the future, something that can give you the need of saying all you have in your heart... I really envied you, but what can I do? I am who I am... I am a girl with many complexes that can't go away...
The Anger Inside Me
Oh yeah !!! You know that anger which was in me? I thought I deleted it for a year, but last week I realized that it wasn't gone. It's still here, in me, eating me slowly, driving me crazy, making me wanna hit somebody, or making me wanna kill them (the people around me)... I just wanna hit something so that I could live with this anger in harmony...
All day, I feel it growing inside of me... In the morning, when I wake up, before I open my eyes, I feel her. She is next to me, waiting for me to open my damn eyes so that I could see her and know her plans. She smiles at me with her "hi-you-you-can't-go-anywhere" smile. At this moment, I know exactly what she's gonna do. All day, she'll stay next to me, talk about my lame life, about the people that I hate. She's gonna make me wanna scream, but I can't, 'cause I'm not allowed to when she is near to me. I'm not allowed to do that; it's against the rules, her rules for God's sake...
When She Takes Over
After the torturing speech, she takes me in her arms, forces me to watch the people around me so that I could see how naive they are, how much I hate them: their habits, their talks, their way of dealing with me, their ways of driving me crazy... She makes me see that again and again... When she wakes up the little me who is inside of me, who was sleeping deeply, she leaves me in a desert road, alone, without any support or confidence. Yeah, she leaves me there with my fear, my hopelessness. My hands and legs are shaking, I can't see anything, all I think about is her. She is everywhere, I hear her voice talking to me again and again. Telling me that I should end my life, 'cause there is nothing to do to save it, it's desperate...
I fall down on my knees, I'm shaking, I don't wanna see her. I feel her, she is right here, in front of me. She is touching my hands, my chest, and now she is touching my heart. She knows that I'm vulnerable on this road, she knows that she can do whatever she wants... I'm crying deeply, I want her to go, 'cause I know what's going on. I will be the person that I hate the most, the person that isn't me... She makes me like that every time she's in me. I know there is no escape from it, she will enter me whether I want it or not...
Oh God no, she is here, in me.
I'm done now.
